I'm still alive

I know that you are all probably wondering where I am and if I'm still alive. Yes I am here just barely. I am so alone right now and angry at the same time. God is so far away from me and I have given up trying to find Him. I feel like I am walking through life in a black cloud and that no one is there to help me. My mother and I are constantly fighting and nothing is making it better. She is telling me what I have to do with my life and I am not really caring at this point what she says because the ideas are what she wants me to be. She says I am running from God and yet He is right there waiting for me. Maybe I am, but I couldn't find Him even when I was looking for Him. Nothing is making sense and all I want to do is forget about these problems running through my head. But I have to deal with them and my mother is just making it ten times worse. She has accused me of every possible crime in the book and I have done nothing to deserve that. She says I can't make it on my own and that even if I try it won't work. Maybe she's right but I am so lost and hurt right now, I can't see straight. Everything feels like it is going wrong and yet nothing really bad has happened. I told her that I couldn't move back home because I can't deal with all the problems at home. Not only would I have to contend with my parents and my challenged siblings, but also my nagging grandma and John who is so stuck on himself and tries to dominate me that I know I couldn't handle it all. I am trying to find my own place, trying to find enough money to go to school this fall, trying to make enough money to pay my bills and get my phone turned back on, and trying to quench my feelings for a man that I know is no good for me and would break my heart. I am so tired of fighting with people and running into problems all the time. Please pray for me for I have given up almost all hope.

Mary